I May Be a Christian By This Time Tomorrow

 Then again, judging by the accuracy of past predictions, probably not.

People are always predicting the end of the world. Jesus himself is rendered by the New Testament authors a false prophet in Matthew 16, Mark 9, and Luke 9 as he predicts the coming of the kingdom of God  within the lifetime of his then listening audience.

So much for Rapture Jesus. We can toss Jesus out with the dishwater, as indeed is exactly what the father of Christianity did shortly after Jesus' death.



Unlike the anonymous authors of the rest of the New Testament, the father of Christianity, Paul, does not even pretend to have known the historical Jesus. While Jesus encouraged a rigorous self criticism, Paul expounded a doctrine of criticizing others which ultimately appealed more to the religious than anything ever uttered by Jesus. Even though Jesus cast aside the Old Testament in favor of a new covenant, Paul continues to condemn homosexuals, women, and sinners. Where Jesus through his very deeds and works encouraged private worship, Paul was instrumental in the creation of organized, institutionalized churches. What a great guy that Paul was! We should then look to him for end of the world advice.

Unfortunately, Paul also proves to be a false prophet in 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 where he too expresses a belief that the end is near. I guess then that we will have to look elsewhere.

Watchtower: Predicting the End Since the 1850's

Maybe the Jehovah's Witnesses have the answer. This seems likely seeing as how they are always so eager to arrange a date and time in which to talk with me. I suspect they know how important removing large amounts of human vermin from the Earth is to me and have been trying for several decades to give me some actual Good News.

Then again, maybe not. The Witless have been making failed end of times predictions even before they actually existed. Out-Of-Wedlock grandfather to the Jehovah's Witless Charles Taze Russell, using an abacus, Bible, a Lego Pyramid set, rectal lubricant, bad math, and  zero logic concluded somehow that Jesus had secretly returned to Earth in 1874 as Ninja Jesus, and that the end of the world would happen in 1914.

Charles Taze Russell's Conception of Armageddon

Oops! No end of the world there. But undiscouraged, the then proto -Witless publication Watchtower promptly announces that it will happen "shortly after 1914..." while a sister publication sets the date at 1918. When this prediction flounders, those wacky Witless' change the date to 1925 (though continue to insist that Ninja Jesus really did sneak in during 1874), but began to express some peculiar lapses of faith as this date drew near, with statements such as "...it would be presumptuous on the part of any faithful follower of the Lord to assume just what the Lord is going to do during that year." Further JW predictions have placed the end of the world a 1932, 1941, and 1975, adding the Witless to our failed prophet list.

Worldwide Church of God co-founder Herbert Armstrong flopped in his end of times prediction date of 1936, as did Aussie Bible teacher Leonard Sale-Harrison with his 1940-41 prediction. The Great Pyramid, Its Divine Message, authors Davidson & Aldersmith screw the pooch with their end of world date of 1953. It is possible that their idea was inspired by Our Inheritance in the Great Pyramid published in 1860 that inaccurately set the end of times date at no later than 1960. What is it with pyramids, people?

But enough of this. I am far more concerned with seeing the destruction of humanity in my lifetime, so lets skip over the multitude of early predictions and draw closer to the present. And lets hear from some non idiots for a change so we can finally look eagerly forward to our ultimate destruction.

In 1974, a couple of astronomers who should have known better published The Jupiter Effect, a planetary alignment disaster best seller whose scenario was a dress rehearsal for Y2K that placed the destruction date at 1982. Sure enough, the planets aligned just as predicted. The shit storm that was to come of it eluded us, but has never failed to inspire the wild imaginings and pseudo-intellectual ranting of every new ager that has came since every time anything bigger than a softball in orbit comes close to any other object.

Failed Prophecy + 28000000 Copies Sold = Really Fucking Stupid People

Huh! Well, there goes the non-idiot idea. How about Hal Lindsey then? A Christian evangelist, Lindsey's 1970 book The Late, Great Planet Earth pegged 1988 as the end. Despite the date passing uneventfully, the book went on to sell some 28 million copies by 1990. Unblinking in his faith, and oddly neglecting to comment on his failed prediction, Brother Lindsey has since continued to churn out equally false books and predictions ever since. Likewise NASA engineer and Bible thumper Edgar Whisenant wrote 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988. Being a good, honest Christian like Lindsey, Whisenant also continued to unapologetically crank out  books for cranks. And being good, honest Christians, his reading audience, like that of Lindsey's, never once stepped forward to call bullshit.

Moving on, in 1992, David Koresh and followers who thought the battle of Armageddon was due in 1995 (not realizing that the battle of Megiddo had already been fought in 609 BCE, the Hebrew lost, by the way.) were as close to raptured as anyone has yet been when they were incinerated at their compound outside Waco Texas. While the world was a slightly better place once the smoke had cleared, the Glory Days failed to come. Slimebag faith healer and all around con artist Benny Hinn also predicted the rapture to happen in 1993, with God destroying all homosexuals in 1995. 16years and Queer Eye for the Strait Guy later, here we all are.

 And on it goes. Dozens, perhaps hundreds, of failed end of the world predictions. From Mormon splinter groups to New Age Comet cultists, time and again the prophets have failed the test. Of all of these, none were such a letdown as Y2K.

In 1984, slave laborers digging in the silicon mines of California uncovered a portal to hell. Using stealth techniques learned from Ninja Jesus, silicon mine overlord Bill Gates crept into the depths of hell and cast Satan from his throne. Ascending the infernal seat, Gates then conspired the Techno Apocalypse. Knowing that partiers were planning worldwide blowout events featuring the Axe song Rock 'N' Roll Party in the Street at midnight of New Years Eve of 1999, a song particularly hated by Gates, he decided to set the
 time of destruction for that date and hour.

I was ecstatic for the Fall that night, and prepared. Sitting in a lawn chair with cooler of beer at my side and AK-47 across my lap, I was eagerly braced to watch the planes falling from the skies.
The end was nigh, and life couldn't be better. Alas it was not meant to be. Reveling in his demonic glory, Gates had been preparing for the apocalypse by having all of his money converted into single bills, and had been spending the week counting his wealth by hand. When the fatal hour struck, Gates' hands were too cramped from money counting to throw the switch installed on his

throne to trigger the end of days. It was just as well, as it had proven impossible for anyone to even find a copy of Rock 'N' Roll Party in the Street despite the band still being around. And so, much to my disappointment, the end of the world was thwarted on January 1, 2000.

Uhhh Huh, Yeah, Right, Just Like Last Time You Called It!

But here were are now, present day, and it seems as though hope springs eternal. Because now Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping has promised us the rapture on May 21, 2011, tomorrow! Never you mind that he had previously failed to call it right with an earlier prediction of September 1994. No, this time, this time he is right! A full 3 percent of humanity is going to be spirited away tomorrow, and I will immediately convert to Christianity.  

Of course on the extremely unlikely event that Mr. Camping is wrong, well, Deuteronomy 18:20 says that false prophets are to be put to death. In light of this, I expect to hear of Mr. Camping's stoning death on the 22nd of the month. That is assuming of course that there are any Christians out there that actually follow the teachings of the Bible.

Will This Be Mr. Camping Come May 22? Only if People Actually Obey the Bible

And as for me, I'll be disappointed if the rapture doesn't come tomorrow. But at least I will have December 21 of 2012 to look forward to thanks to the Mayan calendar and our knowledge that no calendar would ever have a beginning and end. Oh, and the Mayan's had step pyramids, so maybe the pyramidiots are right after all, right? Riiiiiight!

Here's to Next Year!