God Takes Cash in Lieu of Rapture

Mount Sinai- Feeling the pinch of economic recession, God decided yesterday to accept cash instead of rapturing millions of American Caucasian Protestants. This decision came only hours before the Rapture event was to occur. God was apologetic for disappointing His followers, but was resolute in His decision to accept cash in lieu of naked, pasty bodies.

This decision has caused turmoil in the white American religious community. As families disposed of their possessions and traveled cross country for no apparent reason, some of them feel as though they were betrayed.

This reporter contacted God at his mountain retreat at the Sinai peninsula this morning, and was granted an interview.



BA: God, you were scheduled to rapture quite a few people
yesterday. Harold Camping took an estimated 120 million dollars in
donations and has no plans to give it back. What happened?

God: Yes, well, Camping, my PR man, had announced the Rapture just
a day before I had checked the quarterly report. I was unaware that
I had been hemorrhaging money for the last quarter due to the
recession. I called a tri-lateral meeting with Myself and Myself,
and I jointly decided that a cash out option was preferable to the
Rapture at this time. Oh, and the 120 million was from previous
donations to Camping. I only pocketed a measly 38 million out of
recent events. Everyone is confusing the figures.

BA: My mistake. But be that as it may, You're God. Couldn't you
just make money?

God: Doesn't work that way. When I sat up Unicorp and triggered the Big Bang, certain conditions were set in place. One of those is known as conservation of energy. I kind of tied My own hands with that one, so no producing anything out of thin air. Not in this universe.

BA: I see, but what about all of your devout followers that were
anxiously looking forward to the Rapture? Some of them lost their
homes and savings. There was even one woman that tried to kill
herself and her children. Do you feel somewhat responsible for
them?

God: My followers have been waiting for this for over 2000 years.
Another century or so isn't going to change anything.

BA: Agreed, but what about the people that gave up everything?

God: Yes, I'm very proud of them. I told everyone to do that in my
book, Matthew 19 I think it was. Nice to see that some of them are
finally listening. Have you read my book?

BA: Yes, 8 times. Didn't care too much for most of the movie
adaptations, but the snuff film that Gibson did wasn't too bad if
you're into that kind of thing.

God: (chuckling) If you read the book, you know that I'm into that
kind of thing!

BA: Getting back on track here, televangelists bring you in
millions every year, the Vatican, hundreds of thousands of donation
boxes, not to mention Your book sales. How can God be low on funds?

God: We are in a world wide recession at the moment. Less people
are tithing, and those that are are tithing less.

BA: But You have made billions! What on Earth could You spend all
that on?

God: My evangelists need private jets, mansions, jewelry, gold Rolex's, Armani suits, and the rhinestones aren't free either.

BA: Rolex, Armani, jets? Do they really need those things?

God: Hey, can't have My posse bein' seen without bling now, can I?
Gotta represent, Word!

BA: Ummm...

God: No, seriously, they're high maintenance.

BA: OK, well then, about this woman that tried to kill herself and her children. Any thoughts on that?

God: Nobody told her to do that. Certainly not me. She isn't even on the Rapture list, and the kids had virtually nothing in savings. I haven't condoned killing children since Hosea 13:16!

BA: Let me ask You this then, what do You want?

God: (looking startled) You're asking Me what I want? Nobody ever asks Me what I want! Let Me think about that. I guess what I really want is what all parents want. I want My children to grow up and quit depending on Me to fix all their problems. I want them to learn to make their own way. I want them to not only give blame where blame is due, but also give credit where credit is due. I didn't save those women and children from a fire in north-west London a couple of weeks ago, firefighters did. I don't help athletes win, their hard work does, oh, and usually steroids play a role in their victories as well, but we aren't going there. Give credit to your fellow humans, and don't say that something is in My hands now. Roll up your sleeves and do something to make it better. 

Quit fighting over what you think that I want, and for heavens sake quit fighting over oil and using Me as an excuse to disguise your real motives. I want you all to be nice to one another. I want you to remember that you are the stewards of Earth, not its owners. Clean up your messes and quit making new ones, because I'm not giving you another planet. Hear that, Mormons? You are all in the same boat, going around the same sun, and ultimately you all share the same fate. And in the end, maybe I'll let you into heaven, and maybe I won't. Do this and no matter what happens once you die, you've made the world a little better place for the next generation. 

BA: Wow, that is deep, and inspiring. I hope that you weren't aiming that 'be nice' part at me though.

God: You're going to hell anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

BA: Pre or Post Persian hell?  Vague dreary place everyone went before the Persians conquered the area and introduced Zoroastrian duality, or the hell as punishment borrowed from the Zoroastrian concept of dualism that was completely alien to Hebrew religion before then?

God: Post, for you and anyone else that actually studies Near Eastern history and archaeology, definitely post.

BA: Ouch! One last question if I may. 2012 and the Mayan calendar...

God: (laughing hysterically) The Mayan's couldn't predict their own demise, do you really think they got this prediction right? But if you want to wager a little money on it...

BA: I'll pass. Thank you for a wonderful interview, God, and thanks for your time.

God: Don't mention it. I invented time.