So Easy Even a Weekend Ass Slapper Can Do It

I am proudly a threefold discriminatee. As an atheist I am universally despised by theists of every creed and calling. As an O/p lifestyler I am the object of hatred of the BDSM community at large, though strangely enough the vanilla world doesn't seem to give a rats ass. And finally I am a member of that notorious class of fiends, reviled and persecuted for our affliction, a smoker. 

Elegant and Accurate Projectile

I have a particular fondness for pipes. Not only are they aerodynamic and wonderful for hurling at wailing children, they just seem to radiate an aura of genteel refinement and culture. When combined with the right tobacco they seem to put even the most distrustful person at ease.  

And yet despite the many virtues of the pipe, I usually carry cigarettes in public. It takes a while to smoke a bowl of tobacco, and the cigarette has a fairly predictable, relatively brief burn time. Being prepackaged and ready to smoke, they are also more convenient to carry.



However, new laws and taxes have made cigarettes both harder to obtain in the bush and much more expensive. A single pack here runs $10, making it about a $300 a month habit for me. Now I don't consider myself to be stingy. Friends will tell you otherwise. Some of their more polite descriptions include "Stingier than a Jew" and "So tight he shoves coal up his ass and shits out diamonds". While my delicate sensibility is greatly offended by such harsh descriptions, I must admit that parting with $300 offends those same sensibilities even more. With that in mind, I began looking for more frugal alternatives.

Little Cigars: Cheap, Tastes Like Cigarettes, Screws the Government

My first alternative was to switch to little cigars. When the Great Cigarette Tax Rape was enacted, several cigarette manufacturers hit upon producing cigarette sized 'little cigars' that are totally unlike Swisher Sweets. These 'cigars' are really cigarettes in all but name. The manufacturers get away with this because the legally accepted definition of a cigar is tobacco wrapped in either tobacco or in tobacco infused paper. The definition does not specify how much infusing is needed to constitute a cigar. So what they did was infuse virtually no tobacco into the paper, but colored the paper to make it look like a cigar. In other words, they beat the Fedgoons at their own game. Good for them!

Only later did this alternative begin to fall apart. The companies that are willing to ship to Alaska became sporadic in their quality of service. This shoddy service finally reached an apex when the companies quit stocking the products in their warehouses in favor of ordering it for the consumer upon request. The result was a ludicrous amount of time between ordering a shipment, having the company order it from their supplier, have it delivered to them, repack it, and mail it to Alaska. After several orders having to be supplemented by $10 a pack local purchases until delivery, I decided to join the ranks of maverick smokers, the RYO rebels.

RYO means roll your own. At one time the only RYO's out there were cowboys and hobos who employed the particularly uncouth 'lick & spit' technique involving a paper normally reserved for hippies, and foul smelling round tins of something that resembles tobacco in the same manner that Pabst Blue Ribbon resembles beer. But oh, the times they are a changin'!

Enter the Premier Supermatic Cigarette Injector Machine. This handy gizmo retails for about $35. The only assembly required is attaching a rubber snap on bottom to it. As I will explain later, operation is childishly simple.

As great as the machine is, you need a couple of other things before you can begin offending the Politically Correct Anti Smoking Brigade. First you will need cigarette tubes. These babies come in boxes of 200, which is enough for 1 carton of gray smoke offensiveness. One box of these costs anywhere from $3-5 US dollars. As they weigh practically nothing, shipping should be free. It isn't. but such is the nature of the universe.

Finally you need to get your nicotine stained fingers on tobacco. In case you have forgotten, tobacco is the delicious herb that we use to satisfy our addictions while offending the living hell out of others. A 16 ounce (1lb) bag of tobacco will run anywhere from $10-40 and will produce 3 cartons of cigarettes.

So lets do some painless math. A carton of cigarettes here is $100. From what I hear, the same brand in New York is $85. My RYO initial order consisted of 1 pound of tobacco for $22, the rolling machine for $35, and 4 boxes of tubes for $16, for a grand total of $73. Figuring in the cost of the machine, my first three cartons will cost me $24.33 each, with each carton thereafter costing a little over $11 assuming I continue using the same tobacco and tubes. Now that is a frugal way to pollute your lungs, make your clothes stink, and piss off the holier than thou non smoking pussy that has the audacity to breathe your oxygen!

Now for the simple part:

Step 1. Unbox the roller. If you can't figure this part out, congratulations. You have already managed to offend me!

Step 2. Attach the rubber thingy to the bottom of the roller thingy.

Step 3. Position the rolling machine with the handle facing away from you. Make sure the the handle is rotated as far counter-clockwise as it will go.

Step 4. Take out a cigarette tube and carefully insert the open end onto the little metal pipe protruding from the bottom left of the rolling machine. The paper is delicate, so I repeat, insert it carefully.

Step 5. Set the rolling machine cigarette size lever to the desired cigarette size. Make sure that the size corresponds to the size of the cigarette tube. These are 100's, king size, and regular.

Step 6 Performed Incorrectly

Step 6. Fill the little open rectangular slot with tobacco, making sure to fill the ends first. While the instructions do not explain why you have to do this, I have deduced that not doing so will cause Henry Rollins to suddenly materialize and kick your ass. So do it the way it says unless you fancy an ass stompin'. 

Step 7. Turn lever slowly clockwise until it stops. Grasp the butt of the cigarette and hold it while releasing the lever. If you do not grasp the butt and hold it the cigarette will fall off and you will have about 1/3 of an inch of tobacco protruding from the tip of the cigarette that will need to be pinched or cut off.

Step 8. Find the closest congregation of PC Anti Smoking Brigade, light your newly created abomination, and enjoy!