God Takes Cash in Lieu of Rapture

Mount Sinai- Feeling the pinch of economic recession, God decided yesterday to accept cash instead of rapturing millions of American Caucasian Protestants. This decision came only hours before the Rapture event was to occur. God was apologetic for disappointing His followers, but was resolute in His decision to accept cash in lieu of naked, pasty bodies.

This decision has caused turmoil in the white American religious community. As families disposed of their possessions and traveled cross country for no apparent reason, some of them feel as though they were betrayed.

This reporter contacted God at his mountain retreat at the Sinai peninsula this morning, and was granted an interview.

I May Be a Christian By This Time Tomorrow

 Then again, judging by the accuracy of past predictions, probably not.

People are always predicting the end of the world. Jesus himself is rendered by the New Testament authors a false prophet in Matthew 16, Mark 9, and Luke 9 as he predicts the coming of the kingdom of God  within the lifetime of his then listening audience.

So much for Rapture Jesus. We can toss Jesus out with the dishwater, as indeed is exactly what the father of Christianity did shortly after Jesus' death.

The Homophobe Doth Protest too Much, Methinks

Firm Like a Midshipman Braced for Ramming from Behind, Freddie Prepares to Give a Sermon

Someone will probably think that I misparaphrased the title line. I didn't. The misquote is "Methinks the lady doth protest too much.". And while we today tend to use the quote to mean that someone is implying the negative so frequently and forcefully that we are inclined to believe the opposite of them, the word 'protest' in Shakespeare's time meant something a little different. Pro is to put forth or come before. Testari, the parent word of testify, meant just that. Combining the two, we get a meaning of 'protest' to signify putting forth ones testimony. The Lady stated her case too vigorously.  Shakespeare's protest was a positive assertion, while today it signifies a negative assertion. Another misconception is that testify and testicle are related, and that Romans used to swear oaths by clutching the other persons testicles. This really wasn't the case. The practice seems to stem from the Bible.

America the Ugly

I really try to avoid politics. Silly of me, I know, but unless something political directly concerns me, and even then only if I can in my finite wisdom see the direct implications, I try not to pay it any attention. I mostly stick my head in the sand and pretend that the political arena doesn’t exist.  

A Rant About a Lifestyle

World's Sexiest Wiccans Doing Stupid Wiccan Shit

I think that today I will do some lifestyle writing. There is a lifestyle that annoys the everliving fuck out of me. I mean it annoys me like one of those sneezes that won't quite manifest itself, or an itch under the thickest callous of my foot. A lifestyle so sanctimoniously pretentious that it claims heritage in ancient secret societies and cabals. I am talking of course about the lifestyle known as Wicca.

At the dawn of the twentieth century, a sexually repressed and repulsively ugly dyke named Margaret Alice Murray decided to ride the coat-tails of her superior male predecessors and stole their Witch-Cult Hypothesis. She then proceeded to scour records of European witch trials and compiled lists of 'covens', conveniently laying to one side numbers greater than 13 so she could add those extras to other 'covens' that had less than her favorite number. Using crotch cheese made from cultivating the yeasts from her unploughed twat, she glued this obvious fabrication to the 'horned god' that existed only in her imagination, doubtless inspired by double penetration fantasies since the cave art and drawings the skanky fraud cited did not contain horns.